This Is My Bargin

The Adventures of Aunt Darcy and Uncle Loki
This Is My Bargain
An Avengers Fanfiction

Summary: Darcy needs to go to Wal-Mart but also needs to babysit Jane and Thor’s daughter. Loki decides to be of service. Sequel to “Some Do Battle, Others Just Do Tricks”. No connection to Thor: The Dark World.

&%&%&%

It had been two weeks since Darcy Lewis had gone shopping for food. She did not even have a can of beans to her name. Her budget was not extensive enough to allow fast food. Nicking food from Thor and Jane beyond when she babysat pricked at her conscience. Unfortunately, Darcy had promised three weeks ago to babysit Halldóra so Jane and Thor could go on a date when the nanny had her week off. To top it all off, the following week would be Darcy’s last week of law school.

It was thus that Darcy found herself hungry, broke, exhausted, and walking around Jane and Thor’s apartment with a baby that would only remain calm if she was being looked at. Darcy referred to it as the “I am second in line to ruling the Nine Realms, LOVE ME” howl.

“Hal, please, please, be good for Aunt Darcy,” Darcy moaned as she tried to place Hal in her crib.

The baby started screaming as soon as Darcy moved away. Hal was quickly returned to Darcy’s arms.

“I just want to eat,” Darcy moaned.

As Darcy paced back and forth, Hal would reach out and try to take stuffed animals off the shelf. An idea formed in Darcy’s mind.

“Hey, let’s see if Uncle Loki is home,” Darcy said.

&%&%&%

Loki was awoken by JARVIS. “Sir, Ms. Lewis is waiting outside your apartment with your niece.”

“Make Darcy put down Hal and then vaporize the woman,” Loki growled, shoving his head under a pile of pillows.

“Ms. Lewis seems quite distressed. She has been on the brink of tears many times already today,” JARVIS said.

Loki rolled off his bed and hit the floor, letting the jolt wake him up enough that he would not “accidentally” turn Darcy into a gerbil. He stumbled his way through the apartment and opened the door.

“What do you want?” Loki said, glaring at Darcy.

Darcy had the nerve to look cheerful. “Hal was just telling me about how much she missed her favorite uncle who is the best uncle in the world, Uncle Loki.”

“You only flatter me when you want something. What is it?” Loki said.

“I was just wondering if you could watch Hal for a little bit,” Darcy said.

“I was sleeping, Darcy. You are supposed to be babysitting,” Loki said.

“I know but, I was hungry and I have to go to Wal-Mart to buy food and…”

“Wal-Mart? I have heard of it,” Loki said.

“Yeah, it’s only the biggest retailor in the world. Anyway, Hal really wants a lot of attention today and I can’t give it to her if I’m shopping. Can you please watch her for like an hour? I just need to buy some ramen at least,” Darcy said.

Loki sighed. “Give me five minutes. I will meet you at Thor’s apartment.”

&%&%&%

Darcy was happy that Loki had given in so easily. She thought of the fastest route to Wal-Mart and the best plan of attack for the items she needed.

Loki came in dressed in jeans and a black t-shirt while carrying a green and black plaid shirt. “Well, where is Hal’s diaper bag?”

“Are you going to take her out for a walk or something?” Darcy asked.

Loki found the bag by the dining room table. “Oh, no. We are going with you.”

“Uh, what?”

Loki was smirking which meant Darcy was doomed. “Or would you rather me tell Thor and Jane that you were handing off your duties to me?”

Darcy bit her lip and looked up pleadingly to Loki.

“Are you trying to guilt me, woman?” Loki said.

“I was so hungry and Hal wouldn’t let me put her down so I could grab something to eat. And then mean old Uncle Loki tried to blackmail me,” Darcy said.

Loki rolled his eyes. “Hal is better at this and she can only garble.”

Darcy sighed. “Yep. That’s true. What do you want?”

“I wish to observe this Wal-Mart I have heard so much about,” Loki said.

“… Wait, you want to go observe us mere peasants going shopping?” Darcy said.

Loki’s smirk twitched. “I suppose it could be phrased this way.”

“Well, I have had worst things asked of me and I am HUNGRY,” Darcy said.

&%&%&%

After dressing Hal and letting Darcy scarf down a peanut butter sandwich, Loki found himself in the back seat of Darcy’s yellow Volkswagen Beetle entertaining his niece.

“Is what I am wearing appropriate? I do not wish to stand-out too much,” Loki said.

“Dude, you are probably going to be the snazziest dressed person there,” Darcy said, motioning to her jeans and purple hoodie.

“What are the rules of this place?” Loki asked.

“Uh… don’t make eye contact and pay for everything you take,” Darcy said.

“Why no eye contact?” Loki asked.

“Because everyone needs to eat and Wal-Mart is, in many cases, the cheapest place to get food,” Darcy said, “There is a reason why there is an entire website dedicated to the weird people who go through Wal-Mart.”

“The dregs of society?” Loki said.

“No. Just weird,” Darcy said, “I mean, I went to a rural college and the only place near us was Wal-Mart. We would go in at one in the morning dressed up as pirates and go underwear shopping.”

“…Pirates?”

“Because we were looking for the booty!”

“Please tell me there was alcohol involved to explain why you would do such.”

“Nope. Just bored. It’s not like you can say anything. You had sex with a horse because you were bored.”

“For the three hundredth and twenty-seventh time, I never had sex with a horse!”

&%&%&%

Loki was holding Hal when they stepped into Wal-Mart. He kept a neutral expression but quickly took in the people hurrying by and the elderly gentleman who was the “greeter”. Darcy wiped down a cart and then she and Loki strapped Hal into her seat. Loki noted a cart that seemed to have a children’s racecar design.

“Should we not get one of those for Hal?” Loki asked.

“She’s too little and she really doesn’t care. Besides, if I grew up on this, Hal will survive,” Darcy said.

Loki nodded as Darcy pulled the cart out and passed the bargain on juice. “What is the order of things here?” Loki asked.

“Um, well, there is this stuff that the store wants to get rid of. On one side are non-food items that slowly turn into food items. I have to get some soap, so we can go through there,” Darcy said.

“How are such bargains achieved?” Loki asked.

“Slave labor and the destruction of the earth,” Darcy said, “Wal-Mart is evil. It would make the old you weep from the evilness of it.”

“Why shop here?” Loki asked.

“Because change takes time and I can’t cause change if I’m dead,” Darcy said.

While Darcy picked out her bar of soap and Loki played with Hal, Darcy explained how politics and commerce mixed to create Wal-Mart as best as she could. Loki gathered that Darcy does not normally shop at Wal-Mart as it took her a few moments to figure out which aisle had the soap she wanted. Her utter loathing for the place beyond a few happy memories in her younger years made him curious as to why she had decided to shop in such a place.

As they continued walking through the health and beauty section, Loki smiled slightly at the sight of the various hair dyes. Darcy gently elbowed him. “Another day, my friend. We are not stocking you up on prank materials today.”

&%&%&%

Darcy steered clear of the toy section but allowed Loki to examine the car section with the tires because she thought it was hilarious that Loki was scheming to create a vehicle made from stuff in Wal-Mart.

Loki was curious about the fishing rods. He told a story about the time when Thor and him fishing when they were not even in double digits and it ended up being the true story of the beginning of the Ring Cycle, which made Darcy giddy as they strolled through the electronics section. Hal did not understand but made happy noises as she loved her uncle’s voice almost as much as she loved the sound of her parents.

Darcy talked about her attempts at being “crafty” as they passed by the sewing section of Wal-Mart. Loki seemed amused by her attempt at creating a “little black dress” that was more of a “big black holey shopping bag”.

Finally, they arrived at the food section. Darcy bypassed the soda and junk food sections and went straight for a gallon milk. This section was easier as all Darcy had to get was some ramen, dried beans, rice, sugar, and coffee. As they continued down the aisles, Loki stopped abruptly.

“Are those…Pocky Sticks?” Loki asked, pointing to the boxes of chocolate covered biscuit sticks clearly labeled, “Pocky Sticks” in the Asian foods aisle.

“Yes. Have you forgotten how to read?” Darcy said.

Loki dashed for the sweets and dumped the entirety of the shelf’s stock of strawberry sticks and chocolate sticks into the cart. “Stark lied to me. He told me they were only sold in Japan.”

“I am not paying for your junk food habit,” Darcy said, “I can’t even pay for my own junk food habit.”

“Ramen is not food.”

“It fills me up and is cheap. I don’t have a choice,” Darcy said.

Loki raised an eyebrow but pulled out from his plaid shirt a money clip. “I can pay for myself, Darcy. If you are having issues…”

“No. It’s not that bad. In a couple of weeks, everything will be back to normal,” Darcy said.

&%&%&%

Checking out was interesting. Loki flitted from one side of the aisle to the other. He rummaged through the movies, snickering at what was discounted. “This is an odd conglomeration of items.”

“It’s to suck you into buying stuff while you wait. Everything in the store is there to make you buy the most stuff. The music has to be the right pace. Milk, eggs, and sugar are in the back. The most expensive products are at eye level.” Darcy shrugged. “My cousin works in grocery. He tells me all the tricks.”

Loki smirked. “How manipulative these stores are.”

“Yeah, whatever.” Darcy smacked Loki’s hand as he tried to grab a bag of candy. “No. Bad Loki. No more junk food.”

Hal laughed at Loki’s scowl.

&%&%&%

After getting the grocery items into the car, they drove back to the Tower to put up Darcy’s groceries. Loki was still carrying his Pocky Sticks and looked to be full of glee when Darcy was finished.

“Can we have coffee outside?” Loki asked.

“Um, sure. I’ll take care of getting Hal’s milk ready and we can go have a snack outside on the deck,” Darcy said.

Loki went to work in the penthouse to make Darcy her chocolate latte while he had black tea with cream and sugar. Hal was making baby chatter when Darcy sat down with her on the deck.

“I’ll feed her,” Loki said, taking Hal from Darcy. Hal clapped her hands for joy when Loki helped her start drinking her lunch.

Darcy sprawled out on the lounge chair. “Ugh. I can’t remember the last time I saw the sun.” She sat up and took a sip of her coffee. “Oh. Loki. Godhood status would be yours if you didn’t already have it.”

“I am not a god,” Loki said.

Darcy smirked. “Good to see you are still not on the crazy train.”

Loki shrugged and kissed the top of Hal’s blonde head. “Why do you not have enough funds?” Loki asked.

“Not all of us can be princes,” Darcy said.

“You are paid fairly well by SHIELD and have free lodgings from Stark. You have scholarships covering almost all of your school bills. Where is the money going?” Loki asked.

Darcy bit her lip.

“What is wrong?” Loki asked.

“I… I don’t want to work for Jane anymore,” Darcy said, “And I’m thinking of leaving SHIELD and that means I can’t live here anymore and will have to move out.”

The only sound was Hal’s continued drinking from her bottle. Darcy did not dare look up. She knew that there were only two possible reactions for Loki to have. 1. “Haha. I knew it.” 2. “How could you do this to me?”

“I… I don’t want to be viewed as someone who got her spot by accident. I mean, I worked hard and… I want to be useful. I want to be worth the air I am breathing,” Darcy said, “I may not be as smart as a bunch of other folks, but I can work hard. I don’t go flying around saving the day, but I want to save the world. Punching in numbers with everything I’ve learned is a waste of what help I could give.”

Darcy went to wipe away her tears with her sleeve but Loki gave her a handkerchief.

“Darcy, you are useful. You are worth more than the air in all the inhabitable planets, if that is your fear. Anyone who tells you differently will answer to me.”

Loki tilted Darcy’s chin up. “Darling, if you feel this is best, than I will support you. I understand not wanting to live in someone’s shadow. What is it you wish to do? I may be able to help.”

“You’re not angry at me?” Darcy asked.

“Why would I be angry with you, Darcy? I would have been if you just disappeared one day. I would have been scared that something happened to my friend. When I found out the truth, I would have been ashamed that I could not help you. I am glad you told me. What can I do?”

Darcy hugged Loki as much as she could with Hal on his lap. Loki shyly returned the hug as he still was adjusting to how physically affectionate his friend was.

“You are awesome. You know that?” Darcy said.

“Yes, I do know that,” Loki said.

Darcy smacked him in the shoulder. “Seriously, thanks Loki.”

He rested his head on top of Darcy’s. “You are welcome, my friend.”

After a few moments of silence, Hal had finished her bottle. Darcy pulled away from Loki so that he could burp the baby.

“What is it you wish to do?” Loki asked.

“I want to be a lawyer. Something on the bigger scale of things. I did specialize in international law,” Darcy said.

Hal gave a satisfied burp and then giggled.

“Well, that is simple enough,” Loki said, “Asgard has been searching for a lawyer who could study both Midgardian and Asgardian laws to work within SHIELD. It would involve traveling to Asgard, of course, but I could persuade the two princes who reside in Midgard to allow you free access to study and borrow our books on law.”

Darcy grinned and Loki grinned back. “Have I told you how awesome you are today, Loki?”

“You have, but I am always willing to hear it again.”

Darcy laughed. “I can still stay here if I’m not in Asgard, right? I mean, I will have to tell Jane about not being her intern, but I can still see you guys a lot, right?”

“Yes, that is exactly what it means,” Loki said.

“I have to repay you. This is the best thing ever,” Darcy said.

“And how will you do that, Darcy?”

&%&%&%

Loki sat in an outdoor café, drinking his tea as he played with Hal. A tall, dark haired woman came up to where Loki was sitting and she bent down to get a better look at Hal.

“Hello, there baby. How are you?” the woman said.

Hal grinned like her father and clapped her hands in excitement over meeting a new person.

“Have you said hi to the lovely lady, Hal?” Loki asked his niece.  Hal made baby talk as she tried to say hello.

“She’s adorable. You said her name was Hal?” the woman said.

“Yes, short for Halldóra. Yes, my brother and sister-in-law did choose an interesting name for my niece,” Loki said.

“Oh, so you’re babysitting?” the woman asked.

“Yes. I thought they could use a day out and I wanted to spend time with my adorable niece,” Loki said. He took Mini-Mjolnir out of the cart and gave it to Hal, who waved it around. “I do not have any children of my own, as much as I would wish to.”

“I know. Aren’t kids adorable?” the woman said, “And you’re not so bad yourself. What’s your name?”

“Loki,” Thor growled from behind where the god of mischief sat.

The trickster turned around slowly and smiled. “Hello, brother, Jane. How was your date?”

“What are you doing with my daughter?” Thor said.

Loki could hear Darcy’s voice become frantic over the com he was wearing and across the street at another café. “ABORT MISSION! BAD STORM! ABORT MISSION!”

Loki stood up, still smiling and holding Hal. “Here is your daughter, Thor. I have to dash.”

Once Hal was safely in Thor’s arms, Loki and Darcy ran down the street to escape the storm that had just appeared. A lightning strike barely missed Loki.

“I told you that those two shouldn’t babysit together,” Jane sighed.

&%&%&%

Thor’s ire had settled by that evening after he spoke to Darcy and Loki in no uncertain terms that Hal was not to be used as a way “to pick up chicks” as Darcy put it. The Avengers were all gathered together for a movie night in Tony’s penthouse. Before the movie started, Tony stood in front of the TV and made an announcement with Pepper at his side.

“Hey, guys, settle down. I want to tell you something,” Tony said.

When the Avengers quieted down, Pepper said, “I’m pregnant… with twins.”

For the first time in either of their lives, Loki and Darcy fainted. There were some things even the best tricksters found overwhelming; at the top of that list were two mini-Tony Starks running around.